I am thrilled to write about something I am passionate about—loving your friends well. Thankfully it is finally February, the month of love. It is easy to get bogged down from seeing love all over the place if you are single or going through difficult circumstances, but, no matter your relationship status, it is helpful to your friends and yourself to love others well!
Sometimes loving others well looks like your version, instead of the ways your friends need to be loved. The Enneagram (a system describing nine dominant personality types, with each type being referred by a number and descriptive title) is helpful in letting us know how to help our friends in the specific ways they need it. You can find multiple versions of an Enneagram test online-—both concise free versions and more extensive versions for a fee.
Below are some pointers on how each personality type wants to be loved well:
Ones - The Moral Perfectionist
Honestly affirm me
Give me time to adjust to change
I LOVE organization and planning
Tell me truths to silence my inner critic
Take me to a place I know and am comfortable in
Twos - The Supportive Helper
Maintain eye contact and a genuine tone when affirming me
Please tell me that you recognize what I am doing to help you and others
I enjoy helping, so let me help, but I need help to pull back when I am helping in order to earn love
I LOVE gifts that are thoughtful and show me that you listen and pay attention even though I think you aren’t
Ask me about my problems, then ask me again because I probably won’t want to burden you, and then ask me another time. This signifies to me that you truly do want to listen to my frustrations.
Threes - The Achiever
Affirm me, not just what I do, but specifically that you are proud of me
I feel seen when you point out my accomplishments
I LOVE efficiency. Let me move and get things done.
Give gifts that are practical and helpful to my craft and skills
Fours - The Individualist
I can be sensitive, but this does not mean I am afraid of your honesty. Give me time to reign in the emotion and process.
Be sincere in your affirmations. Let me know that you really know me, but do not give me fake praise.
Remind me that I am not too much
I LOVE one-on-one intentional and deep conversations
Remind me that you have been paying attention to me through thoughtful gifts or places that we have made memories.
Fives - The Investigator
I LOVE time to myself. I need this time to regain energy, please respect this instead of making me feel guilty.
Be direct with me
Give gifts that are particular to what I am interested in at the present moment and that involve self care
Please do not place heavy emotional expectations on me
Gently let me know that you want me to share my emotions, but please do not aggressively push. Privacy is important to me.
Sixes - The Loyal Guardian
Please ask me about my anxious thoughts that I keep circling around.
Gift me with a day of rest that you have thoughtfully planned out
I LOVE clear expectations. Do not leave me playing the guessing game.
Affirm me with laughter, affection, and reassuring words
Spontaneous trips are not my cup of tea
Sevens - The Enthusiast
Match my energy!!
A day full of a well planned and non-stop day of laughter and good times
I LOVE the freedom to shoot from the hip, please don’t stifle my spontaneous nature. It brings me fun!
I want to hear your funny and entertaining stories too, please kindly let me know when you want to share and I’ll laugh right along with you.
Affirm me especially on the days when I am not high energy. I need the reminder that I am more than the life of the party
Eights - The Protective Challenger
Don’t cower away from a debate. I enjoy this and want you to push back.
I LOVE to go big or go home.
Plans that involve a touch of the dramatic or luxurious are usually welcomed
Affirm me in truth. Don’t be afraid to be direct because I appreciate it.
Create a safe space for me to be vulnerable
Nines - The Peacemaker
When I have a preference, make an effort to recognize this because it takes a lot for me.
I enjoy being social, but understand I need downtime to charge my social battery
I LOVE when people speak tenderly and get to the core of how I really feel about things.
Take me outdoors!
Please take the time to remind me that I matter to you and cherish who I am.
Let’s be sure we are using our time and energy to love our friends in the ways they want to be loved!
Meet the Author!
Hailee Alcaida is the English III at Putnam City High School. Being an English teacher combines two of Hailee’s passions: literature and building relationships. Hailee and her students love to laugh at the current memes, dab, and learn about the world through reading and writing. Living with an enneagram 7 helps her to put a book down, get out of their house, and explore OKC with friends and all its fun that it has to offer. By the way, Hailee is an enneagram 4w3. Continue the conversation with Hailee – email halcaida2212@gmail.com.